The willingness to just give up can be so strong and slightly enticing.
Before you go deeming this read as a subtle cry for help or another read about the immense fear I have of my impending demise – it’s neither one (well sort of), but just hear me out…
Throughout my life I’ve probably felt the need — the pull to just give up over a hundred times. As a matter of fact, the feeling overcame me just a little over a week ago (so make that over a hundred and one times). It seems the older I get the more enticing the need becomes. In the same instance, as many times as I have felt like giving up – it has done nothing but motivate me more not to.
It’s a vicious cycle that I low-key hate.
For the past 20 or so years I’ve been in a no-win, LTC (wrestling fans should get this reference) WWE Smackdown wrestling match with my unwavering need and drive to succeed at something…anything. I don’t know if it’s a part of my personality, something ingrained in my DNA, an unfortunate Geminian trait – whatever it is, it just won’t allow me to quit. Won’t allow me to STOP hoping. Won’t allow me to STOP dreaming. Won’t allow me to just be…regular, without the constant ebb and flow of will I or won’t I…can I or can’t I.
The see-saw feeling of it all can be both exhausting and nauseous.
To be on a motivational high of creativity to where you feel like…this is it – this is going to be my viral moment. This is what’s going to be my moment that “breaks the internet (as the kids say these days).” This is what is finally going to make people STOP and take notice. This is what’s going to elevate me from hanging on to the bottom rung of the success ladder to standing tall at the tippy-top, with my head literally in the clouds.
Then you a hit slump.
You fall several weeks (sometimes months and even years) deep into a pit of despair, but not the type of despair that spirals into depression. The kind of despair that FORCES you to slow down. The kind of despair that FORCES you to be present and in the moment. The kind of despair that FORCES you to think about what it is that you actually have to contribute to society…what makes you special?
As you take the time to ponder the question of what makes you special – you become content with the mundane day-to-day lifestyle. You realize things could be so much worse, but they’re not and you start feeling content. You get comfortable. You begin to pour your energy into everything else but your creativity and that whole process, because it feels less…demanding of your time and energy.
You’re not lacking motivation. You’re not entertaining procrastination. You’re just no longer a slave to your need to succeed. The word for the month of August is: RESIGNATION; to accept the inevitable.
You give up.
I gave up.
Or better yet, I resigned. Voluntarily, and it felt like a weight had been lifted. It wasn’t a victory, nor was it a defeat. I just forfeited (temporarily) and it felt good (sort of).
But the fire inside me just won’t die. Just won’t let me be…regular.
I have 4 main triggers that set off this eternal flame inside of me:
-
1. Death
2. Failure
3. My children’s future
4. Racial discontent
These triggers constantly remind me to “do something” worthwhile… “do something” of value…“do something” that means something. All four of those triggers are occurring all at once; all of the time. There hasn’t been a month, a week or even a day in the year of the rat that has shown me enough mercy to just let me be…regular. So, of course I climb out of that pit of despair and jump right back into that vicious cycle and patiently wait for that break again.
To sum it all up, after 2 months I’m finally back to doing what I do best…create.
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