GramMixxed: My Kinda Big, Semi-Fat Grammar-less Life

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13 mins read

Some say life is a many splendored thing, or is it a many splintered thing? Whichever the phrase we all know that life can smell as sweet as a rose, but if you don’t pay attention you could easily get pricked by a thorn when you least expect it. The varying highs and lows of life can either break you or make you. I’ve had the fortune of circling the sun more times than I can count on both hands. I have seen beauty, I have felt pain and I have experienced joy. Are there things that I regret? Yes. Do I wish I could have made different choices? Certainly. If I ever have the opportunity to turn my life into a film (sidenote: I should make this a series) this playlist would serve as the soundtrack to my life:

01. Pink & White || Frank Ocean || 2016

Starting off the soundtrack or beginning of a film about my life is this beautifully produced, arranged, written and sung song by none other than Frank Ocean. I hear this song on a daily basis (partly because it’s a ringtone / alarm on my phone). It’s subtle, moving and caresses every part of your eardrum like a deep-tissue massage assuring you that no matter what — everything is going to be okay.“If you could die and come back to life. Up for air from the swimming pool. You kneel down to the dry land. Kissed the earth that birthed you. Give you tools just to stay alive.”

02. You Never Get Over It || Ladybug Mecca || 2005

My love for hip-hop runs Pacific Ocean deep and Digable Planets is a fave. The singular woman in the group put out a solo project in 2005 called Trip The Light Fantastic that showcased her singing abilities. This song reminds me that no matter what people say — there are just some situations that occur in your life that you will never get over; no matter what. Certain situations can affect you so deeply; down to your core it completely changes the trajectory of your life; planned or not.

03. Here || Alessia Cara || 2015

Alessia sang every bit of me in the 90s with this song. I got off on not giving in to the pressures of my peers (I still do). House parties were fun and all but the majority of the time I was physically there, but mentally I wasn’t. I was always posted up in a corner, against a wall or a couch wondering why I was there and not home…writing.

04. Halfcrazy || Musiq Soulchild || 2002

Let’s talk about wearing the polycarbonate plastic out of a song. Everyone has that “one who got away” person and that’s all I’ll say about that.

05. Sleep to Dream || Fiona Apple || 1996

If a person could be someone’s spirit animal, then Fiona Apple would be mine (sidenote: do an albums that have inspired me post). The amount of vulnerability and angst that she puts into her music coupled with her piano stylings resonates deep within my soul. There was this weird time period in my life where I was battling insomnia real heavy and when I did sleep I would experience sleep paralysis — where you’re awake but unable to speak or move. It is the eeriest, most uncomfortable state of sleep to be in and a state that I am glad I no longer experience. Back to the insomnia bit, I took this time to write my very first screenplay Losing the Light of Reason (excerpts coming soon). The sleepless nights that were poured into those pages and the recognition that later followed solidified my purpose in life…or so I thought.

06. So Ambitious || Jay-Z feat. Pharrell || 2009

“The motivation for me is them telling me what I would not be, oh well.” I’ve ALWAYS been ambitious. Always been driven. Always felt the need and had the will to succeed. My dreams and goals had always had a permanent place nestled in the palm of my hand; I could see it every time I looked down…clear as day. Always knew exactly what I wanted to do and be when I grew up. Never wavered, never faltered.

07. Under Control || The Internet || 2015

“I woke up impatient and anxious. Chasin’ dreams in my sleep. Got me feeling like I made it. Then I wake up and see.” At some point, I looked up and away from my dreams and my dreams took the fact that I wasn’t solely dedicated to them personal. This is the turning point in the film where the disconnect or the descension between my dreams and I began. The point in my life where I start to wonder if I inadvertently sabotaged my own success (hmmm…never said that out loud…good question though).

08. Home || Diana Ross || 1978

“When i think of home i think of a place where there’s love overflowing. I wish I was home. I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing.” If, “If I knew then what I know now” were a song. I always thought I had this one-track mind where I was just purely focused on succeeding career-wise in my life, but I apparently I unknowingly picked up a new “dream” once visions of a family entered into the picture (I had once denounced having a family of my own for years). I tell my first niece all the time that she is the reason I woke up one day and wanted a family of my own, but I wanted it on my timetable. “And just maybe I can convince time to slow up. Giving me enough time in my life to grow up. Time be my friend. Let me start again.”

09. Momentinlife || Musiq Soulchild feat. Cee-lo & Kindred || 2003

“The future’s so bright it’s almost blinding my sight.” This song brings tears to my eyes because it’s happy and sad all in the span of 4 minutes and 43 seconds. I’ve had many a bad days where nothing went my way (still do), but then I sit and think about the little things that did and it doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better but it gives me some perspective. This song is the closest that I will ever get to listening to my wedding song (and I loved that song til death did we part), which is the track right after this one on the Soulstar album.

10. Fool’s Gold || Jill Scott || 2015

There’s no feeling in the world when you feel like you struck it rich. You cracked the code to true happiness. You’ve found that proverbial gold at the end of the rainbow; gleaming, but then you look closer at it and realize that it’s just a bunch of rocks painted to look like a pot of gold. No feeling in the world like being hoodwinked…bamboozled…led astray…

11. Slowly Surely || Jill Scott || 2000

Back to back Jill Scott tracks, guess she sings my language. Walking away from a situation I dreamed of may not have been in the best interest of some people, but it was very necessary for me emotionally and mentally, because the dream was fictional and not based in reality. “Slowly, surely I walk away from that old desperate and dazed love. Caught up in the maze of love. The crazy craze of love. Thought it was good. Thought it was real. Thought it was but it wasn’t…love.”

12. W.A.Y.S. || Jhene Aiko || 2014

AKA “Why Aren’t You Smiling?” If I had a dollar…I had always been known to wear my heart on my sleeve or my emotions being fairly visible on my face without me uttering a single word. Nowadays, I’ve somehow mastered the look of being completely emotionless, which a lot of people get turned off by and start making their assumption when in actuality I’m feeling every bit of all the feels. It’s just my defense mechanism. For all those times where I’ve just wanted to give up in every sense of the word. This song reminds me that I have to keep going. Keep pushing…no matter what and if I choose to not smile, then so be it. I am allowed to feel what I feel. Whew! It took me a long time to realize that.

13. Strength, Courage & Wisdom || India Arie || 2001

“Inside my head there lives a dream,” the perfect ending and the perfect theme song to a montage sequence summing up my life experiences on how I discovered my strength, maintained courage and gained some wisdom.

This playlist has a running theme of chasing your dreams and what happens when those dreams are deferred. I cried pretty much during the entire creation of this post. It brought up a lot of thoughts, memories and feelings that I’ve kept supressed for my own sanity. There’s a lyric in Momentinlife “Don’t you worry about the past cause it’s gonna be what it is. All you can do is try to make your future beautiful.” True, you can’t change what has happened in your past and I have painfully come to that realization on more than one ocassion (and the realization hurts like hell each and every time), all I really want now is just my moment in life. Plain and simple.

A writer from the Midwest diligently honing my craft that the brevity of poetry and flash fiction writing allows me in between misadventures in motherhood and pockets of television binge-watching sessions all while curating creativity. I currently hold a B.A. in Journalism & Mass Communications.

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